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"Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
 

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A man is in the bathroom, and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine.

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A man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart."Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

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A man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart."Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor."No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

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:laugh:




A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and ….............. a cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
 

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A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy a ½ a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant explains to him that they only sell whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The young produce assistant says he’ll check with his manager and walks into the back room.

“There’s an asshole out there that wants to buy a ½ a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find that the man is standing right behind him.

So he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later that day the manager said to the young produce assistant, “I was very impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.* We like people that can think on their feet.* Where are you from son?”

“Green Bay, WI sir,” replied the young produce assistant.

“Well, why did you leave Green Bay?” asked the manager.

“Because there’s nothing up there but whores and football players,” replied the young produce assistant.

“Really?” said the manager.* “That’s where my wife is from.”

“No ****?” replied the young produce assistant.* “What position did she play?”



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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchase home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
 

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A baby seal walked into a club...

joe
 

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Two men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.*One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

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Discussion Starter #16
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.
 

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Damn spell checker. It supposed to be a vat of curry. He is in a korma.

Now this joke stinks.lol

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