Thanks 8-Ball
Getting the first one to work turned out to be I had the file in the wrong place on the server, not syntax at all :duh?:
The second and third were just figuring out which piece of the statement to replace to make it show up as a pointer link rather than showing the full http address, which is why I left both versions there, to remind me which one works and which one doesn't. I'm so good at this stuff that I've forgotten how to do it more times than I can remember

When I get a minute, I'm gonna write it all down and put it on my goddamn desktop
Thanks again for your help.