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Hellbound Train
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Discussion Starter #1
While attempting to merge all the jokes into one sticky thread, I fuk'd up (sorry Woody). In the future, please post jokes in this thread so they can always be found.
 

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'05 Road King Classic
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806 Posts
Old lady

A 104 year-old woman was asked what it was like to be 104.

She replied, "No peer pressure."

Dennis E.
 

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Little Johnny rode his bicycle to school everyday, one day he noticed his dad's car parked in a nearby field, so he rode his bicycle over to where the car was parked and saw his dad and his Aunt Cherie in a rather "strange behavior"

Not knowing what to think about this, Johnny started telling his mother about what he saw... she interrupted him saying "we should finish this at dinnertime when your father gets home"

At dinner that night, Johnny's mother asked Johnny.... "what was it you saw daddy and Aunt Cherie doing today???"

Little Johnny's response was.... "the same thing you and Uncle Bill do when daddy's at work..."



JS
 

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peach farmer

> A Texas Rancher was selling his peaches door to door. He
knocked on
> a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very
sheer negligee
> answered the door.
>
> He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would
you
> like to buy some peaches?"
>
> She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,"Are
they
> as firm as this?"
>
> He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear
ran
> from his eye.
>
> Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking,
"Are
> they nice and pink like this?"
>
> The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other
eye.
>
> Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked,
> "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
>
> He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
>
> The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
>
> Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the
flood
> got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna
> get screwed out of my peaches."
 

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Texas Chili contest

He he my favorite of all the times
its old but....................:roflback:

A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without :laugh:
laughing then there's no hope for you. :D

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
The first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better..

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy Fuk, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
Flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.( sure thing :rolleyes: )

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
What I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face. :wacko:

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get Me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
Sh!t-faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost o spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
Unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
And I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am Worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted :fart: , passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?

:D :D :D
 

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Hockey is my religion
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346 Posts
Ana...I'm trying to catch my breath...tears are running down my cheeks and people in the office think I've lost what little mind I have. That was way too funny it's even better if you paint a picture in your mind while reading it.
 

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clicker said:
Ana...I'm trying to catch my breath...tears are running down my cheeks and people in the office think I've lost what little mind I have. That was way too funny it's even better if you paint a picture in your mind while reading it.
Oh yeah,
my boss was rolin on the floor wit colic in the gut
for a good 15 min, told me I almost kill him
so, I can only imagine :D
 

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Cajun Peauxseur
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5,384 Posts
clicker said:
Ana...I'm trying to catch my breath...tears are running down my cheeks and people in the office think I've lost what little mind I have. That was way too funny it's even better if you paint a picture in your mind while reading it.

@gree: I tried to read it aloud to my wife and I was laughing so hard I couldn't :)
 

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2005 Road King Classic
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1,632 Posts
Two gay men were sitting at a bar and got up to leave when one said to the other: "Can I push your stool in for you?"
 

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693 Posts
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask

over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour,

surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a

partial sponge bath.



Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"



Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here

to wash your upper body and feet."



He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned

that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes

her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his

gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and

moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's

nothing wrong with them, Sir."



The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very

slowly,"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very

closely......

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back".
 

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Doing time, behind bars!
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1,480 Posts
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball


Q. Do you know how Scottish practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.


Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.


Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.


Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. They both have balls but but they're just for decoration.


Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.


Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.


Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.


Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.


Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
 

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private part

My private part died today - -]


> An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a
nursing
> home.
>
> One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked
if
> there was anything wrong.
>
> "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today,
and I
>
> am very sad."
>
> Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she
> replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my
condolences.
>
> The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
> Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy
>
> "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall
like
> that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
>
> But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday
that my
> Private Part died."
>
> "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?"
>
> You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>
> "Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."
 

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Doing time, behind bars!
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1,480 Posts
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.

Try to come up with the answer on your own...

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old young men on opposite sides of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.

The other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
 

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Hockey is my religion
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346 Posts
The Bridge

A man was walking along a California beach deep in prayer, all of a sudden he said out loud...Lord grant me one wish!

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said: "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".

The man said build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.

The Lord said: "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous engineering challenges for that type of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think about another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me".

The man thought for a long time, finally he said I wish I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ..."nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied:

"You want 2 or 4 lanes on that bridge?"
 

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Hockey is my religion
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346 Posts
Rodney

From Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly as a kid my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.

When my old man wanted sex my mother would show him a picture of me.

This morning when I put on my underware I could hear the fruit of the loom guys laughing at me.

A girl phoned me and said "come on over nobody's home." I went over, nobody was home.

I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
 

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living will

> Living Will
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not
>>wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
>>Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of
>>pinhead
>>politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives
>>depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up
>>the bills.
>>
>>If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at
>>least one of
>>the
>>following:
>>
>>______a cold beer
>>
>>______a glass of wine
>>
>>______a Bloody Mary
>>
>>______a Margarita
>>
>>______a Scotch and soda
>>
>>______a Martini
>>
>>______a Vodka and Tonic
>>
>>______ a Bourbon on the rocks
>>
>>______a Steak
>>
>>______Lobster or crab legs
>>
>>______The remote control
>>
>>______a Bowl of ice cream
>>
>>______The sports page
>>
>>______ a new rifle
>>
>>______Chocolate
>>
>>______Sex

>>
>>It should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
>>
>>When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my
>>appointed
>>person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes
>>and call it a day.
>>
>>Signature: ___________________________
>>Date: ___________________________
 

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The_Snowman said:
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.

Try to come up with the answer on your own...

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old young men on opposite sides of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.

The other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

If I don't look down everything will be alright.
 
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