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Just Like to Ride
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1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

2. Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was easy.

3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop and ask for directions.

4. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

5. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds eventually will mature.

6. Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

7. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know. It has never happened.

8. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

9. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

10. When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

11. Why are married women usually heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

12. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Tape the remote control between his toes.

13. What did God say after creating man?
"I must be able to do better than THAT!".

14. What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect".

15. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're all married.
 

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One more truism:
Men are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
 

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Here is the mens vocabulary...

Statement: "Haven't I seen you before?" True Meaning: "Nice ass."

Statement: "I'm a Romantic." True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "I need you." True Meaning: "My hand is tired."

Statement: "I am different from all the other guys." True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."

Statement: "I want a commitment." True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about." True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better." True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it." True Meaning: "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

Statement: "She's kinda cute." True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her." True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "I miss you so much." True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

Statement: "Was it good for you?" True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night." True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you." True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I'll give you a call." True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot." True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends." True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you." True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
 

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What men never say....

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool ************.
2. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Her **** are just too big.
5. Sometimes I just want to be held.
6. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody.
7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
8. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold
your purse.
9. **** Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.
11. Hey look, there's a wool and fabric shop! Let's go buy something.
12. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons?
13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?
14. Do these jeans come in lavender?
15. I love jogging dear, but I can't keep up with you. You go on ahead.
16. This shower curtain doesn't have enough frills on it.
17. Damn, too bad this car isn't a four cylinder.
18. My butt's too big, don't lie, it's true. My butt's too big.
19. It's OK, I'll sleep in the wet spot.
20. I know you just blew me but I need a kiss.
21. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
22. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
23. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when
she's getting ready for bed? Maybe I should tell her.
24. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
25. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them
any more.
26. I understand.
27. This movie has too much nudity.
28. Damn, we're late for church!
29. No, I don't want to see your sister's ****.
30. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
31. Over-sized t-shirts are so sexy, especially on really fat chicks.
32. Slow down, you move too fast. You've got to make the morning last.
33. Put some panties on for Christ's sake!
34. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
35. No I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
36. Hey, watermelon bathroom air-freshener pot-pourri. Let's get some!
 
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